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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27574073">Prove your worth to yourself</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/BloodthirstyMerc/pseuds/BloodthirstyMerc'>BloodthirstyMerc</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Comfort, Gavin Reed Backstory, Gavin Reed-centric, Gen, Hurt Gavin Reed, Hurt/Comfort, Law Enforcement, Parental Hank Anderson, Pepper Spray, Pre-Canon, Pre-Detroit: Become Human (Video Game), Supportive Hank Anderson, Training, Unus Annus, if you don't know what i'm talking about i'm sorry, yes this is based on them</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 21:08:05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,110</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27574073</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/BloodthirstyMerc/pseuds/BloodthirstyMerc</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Gavin knew that during his training in the academy he was going to have to get pepper-sprayed.<br/>Hank's there to help him work through the pain and remind him to keep breathing.<br/> </p><p>{{This fic was loosely based around the Unus Annus video where Mark and Ethan were pepper-sprayed. If you don't know what that means; this is just a fic of me hurting Gavin.}}</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hank Anderson &amp; Gavin Reed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>48</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Prove your worth to yourself</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Gavin takes in a deep breath, holding it for a moment before he exhales it slowly. The room was filled with nervous, idle conversation. He shouldn’t be this nervous. He always thought that he wasn’t scared of pain, he’s more familiar with it than maybe he should be, but that comes with a rough upbringing. And yet right now, he’s on the verge of abandoning everything that he’s accomplished because of a little pain. He knew from the beginning that this was something he was going to have to do eventually. Hell, he’s already been tased, not part of his training, but he knows exactly how that fucking feels.</p><p>He knows this is going to be worse, but he doesn’t understand why it’s getting to him so much. He’s sweating behind his knees, his fingers are twitching, and he’s so focused on his breathing that he thinks he’s somehow being way too loud right now.</p><p>A hand comes to rest on his shoulder, and every muscle in his body tenses up. He looks up, noticing his heart pounding in his ears. Hank’s not meant to be here, but he showed up. Because Gavin asked him to, because he admitted that he <em>was</em> scared. Even though he knows that he has no reason to be. It’s just pepper spray.</p><p>“You’re gonna pass out before anything even happens. Relax. It sucks, but you’ve known that for weeks, I’ve been making sure you know how much this is going to suck. You <em>know</em> it’s going to suck, Reed, but it’s not going to kill you.”</p><p>“Great pep talk,” Gavin grumbles. He’s chewing the inside of his cheek, and he really needs to stop doing that. It’s a bad habit. Not his worse, but still bad.</p><p>“I can leave if you’ve decided you don’t want me here.” Hank gestures to the door, and even though Gavin knows that he’s not going to walk out right now, his heart rate spikes <em>again</em>. And guilt coils in his gut. Lowering his gaze, Gavin exhales again.</p><p>“I’m sorry. I’m just really fucking stressed out. I know what I’m capable of, and I know what I can do and I should be able to handle this and… I’m fucking tired of disappointing myself.” Because he’s backed out of so much shit in his life.</p><p>His potential has been crushed by his own heel time and time again. And he knows that he’s got some excuses when it comes to it, after all, he’s fucking been through. But he knows at the end of the day, he’s been holding himself back, not everything he’s gone through.</p><p>“I’m so close to finally getting somewhere, I’ve worked my ass off for this. And now I’m fucking second-guessing everything all because of one little thing.”</p><p>“You put too much pressure on your own shoulders. I’ve seen what you can do, I know that you’re hard-working and you want this. Don’t let your fear get in the way of that. You’re too good for that.” Hank squeezes his shoulder.</p><p>Gavin’s never been good at beating his fear. If he was, there would be so much about him that would be different. And for the better too, he knows that. Hank’s right, of course. He wants to help people, he wants to make an impact, just as Hank helped him. He’s not going to get in his own way again. Because eventually, he’ll run out of chances.</p><p>He takes another breath and straightens up his shoulders. He can’t be scared of pain, not anymore, and not if he wants to make Detective one day. Pain sucks, it always will, but it can’t control him anymore.</p><p>“You really think that highly of me, Anderson?” He quips, trying to break through his own bubble of tension that he’s suffocating himself in. Hank rolls his eyes and drops his hold on Gavin’s shoulder.</p><p>“I think you’re a smartass with a sharp tongue. I <em>know</em> you’re better than that.”</p><p>Gavin’s lip twitches up into the smallest of smiles. Something a lot more genuine than the usual smirk. Before Hank, it had been a long time since Gavin had someone in his life he could rely on, that he knew believed in him and wanted to see him succeed. And while Hank pushing him at first pissed him off to no end, Gavin’s relieved that he did.</p><p>“Thanks.”</p><p>Hank returns his smile. Gavin will never be able to admit how much he looks up to Hank, how much he inspires him, but he’s pretty sure that Hank knows. At this point, Hank’s the closest person he has to family, after all.</p><p>“I promise I won’t take any pictures when you start crying.” He teases, and Gavin’s face visibly drops to a look of annoyance.</p><p>“You better fucking not, prick.” Gavin hisses.</p><p>“Keep that up and I will.” Hank ruffles his hair, and while usually, that annoyed him, Gavin actually doesn’t mind it right now.</p><p>He was glad Hank had come because he knows that it’ll be a lot easier to get through this with him here. He already feels better, at least mentally. He knows it’s going to suck, but it’ll suck less knowing that Hank’s going to be there for him during it, and once it’s over. Gavin knows he’ll always be able to rely on Hank, after all.</p><p>-</p><p>The tension in Gavin’s shoulders has returned to him by the time everything is set up and they’re all ready. Or as ready as they can be. Because Gavin isn’t the only one doing this today, of course, but he thinks he might be the most nervous out of the group. Or at least, if someone else isn’t holding up well, they’re much better at hiding it than he is.</p><p>It’s explained to them again, what they’re going to be going through. The pepper spray they’re using is a gel formula so that it only impacts where it <em>lands</em> and not everything around it. It’ll transfer if touched, and it’ll still get in the air a little, but nothing like the actual spray would.</p><p>They’ll have the gel on them for a minimum of three minutes, which suggests that maybe they might <em>want</em> to keep it on longer for whatever reason. Gavin’s pretty sure he’s not going to be doing that. Three minutes sounds like plenty of time for him, thanks. As it is, the burn can last for <em>hours</em> once every last bit of it is removed from the skin, so keeping it on longer just leaves open the idea of the burn lasting even longer too.</p><p>Hank’s standing off to the side, Gavin can see him in the corner of his eye. He glances over to him for the briefest moment, but not long enough to really take in anything. His mind is a thousand miles away as it is.</p><p>Then they’re told to close their eyes, and it’s suddenly a lot more real. No turning back now. Gavin crosses his arms at his back, gripping his own wrist so tight that it hurts, to remind himself not to even try to touch his face. The last thing he wants to do is spread it at all.</p><p>“Three… two… one…”</p><p>Gavin cringes on instinct, teeth gritted together and eyes squeezed closed as tight as he can manage. He hears the first spray, knowing full well he’s not going to feel it, and yet waiting for it anyway.</p><p>The worst thing he could have done to himself was stand at the end of the line. Because now he’s got to wait for it to happen, has to hear each person before him get sprayed before it reaches him. And with each one, his heart feels like it pounds louder in his ears, harder in his chest.</p><p>His instinct is to flinch when the spray hits him, and it takes every ounce of willpower to just tense up his muscles and keep himself still as it makes contact with his skin. It stripes basically across his face, from above one eye, across the bridge of his nose, to his cheek on the other side of his face.</p><p>The breath leaves him in a deep exhale almost instantly, and it’s like the burn follows it. Tipping his head forward a little, Gavin opens his mouth, sucking back in air. And he doesn’t notice that his arms are shaking until he hears how much his breath wavers. The adrenaline in his body surges, the build-up of nerves unravels and all he can focus on in the building pain in his skin.</p><p>Instantly, Gavin thinks <em>“this fucking sucks”</em>. He can hear everyone else around him so clear, and it’s difficult to bite back from swearing, from saying anything at all. Because all he wants to do is say everything that’s on his mind.</p><p>It’s not long before his nose starts to run, and then his chest starts to feel tight, and he feels like he <em>is</em> breathing right up until a hand grabs onto his forearm. He flinches, but he can’t move because he can’t see and he knows no one is here to hurt him so he forces himself not to lash out.</p><p>“Breathe, kid.” Hank’s voice is the biggest relief to come to him right now. And the grip on his arm doesn’t feel as restricting anymore.</p><p>Gavin nods, tries to figure out his breathing again, tries to figure out what the hell he’s even doing wrong to be choking himself up like this. He coughs, and it clears up some of the mucus in his throat and chest, which helps too.</p><p>“Phck,” It’s the first thing he says, and Hank has the nerve to actually laugh, in that weird, exhaled way like he isn’t actually laughing but he definitely is. “Don’t, Anderson.”</p><p>“I didn’t say anything,” Hank says, giving Gavin’s arm a light squeeze. “You’re doing great, just keep breathing.”</p><p>The only thought that Gavin has is that it hurts so much, but voicing that is just pointing out the obvious. There’s nothing he can say, and even if he wanted to, even if he could think of something else, the tightness in his chest would make it way too difficult to say it anyway. Breathing isn’t easy at all, and Hank’s telling him to just keep doing it like it should be easy.</p><p>“One minute down,” Gavin doesn’t know who’s saying it, probably the guy who sprayed him in the face. And it’s both a relief and a curse. Because he’s a third of the way in and it feels like he’s been suffering through this for far longer already. But also it’s a relief to know that he’s gotten through this minute.</p><p>He starts moving, shuffling his weight from one foot to the other because he can’t keep himself still, and also because he hopes focusing on something else will distract him from the pain a bit.</p><p>He’s burnt himself before, hot water burns, cigarette burns, touching cookware accidentally. None of those pains even compare to this. And being tased, that still feels nothing like this, that pain isn’t even comparable.</p><p>“Reed,” Hank’s voice drags him out of his thought process, and when did Hank get this close? And when did he pull his arm from around his back? Gavin coughs again, and he can feel the snot on his face and the spit in his mouth and he can’t swallow it. He spits it out.</p><p>And if he didn’t hear everyone else snotting and spitting all over the place too, he would be apologising for it. Because it’s gross, and he can only imagine already what the floor must look like, covered in all of their fluids.</p><p>“What?” He finally manages to spit out, and he wishes that he could open his eyes and look at Hank, wishes that the burning didn’t make it feel like it was in his eyes, making it feel like he’ll never be able to open them again. And he really shouldn’t have worn his contacts today, that’s going to be fucking horrible.</p><p>“I know I said to keep breathing, but you keep going like this and you’ll choke.”</p><p>“Two minutes.” The other guy's voice cuts in before Gavin can go off at Hank fully, which is maybe for the best. He’s really not doing so well right now, and trying to yell at Hank just because he’s in pain isn’t going to help anything at all.</p><p>“I fucking… already feel… like I am choking.” Gavin snarls, spitting again because there’s way too much build-up in his throat and mouth right now.</p><p>“It’s hard to breathe, I know that. This won’t kill you, <em>you</em> know that. Slow down.”</p><p>Gavin wants to be pissed off. Hank is only trying to help though, and he knows that. He knows his breathing isn’t doing him any favours right now, and it’s frustrating that he can’t get himself breathing properly, and Hank trying to coach him through it is only making it worse. Because he <em>can’t</em> breathe properly, even though he’s trying to.</p><p>“Can’t,”</p><p>“Breathe with me, then.” And Gavin feels like this would have been a chance for Hank to mock him or tease him, and instead, he’s chosen not to. Either he knows it’s not the time, or he knows that Gavin’s getting caught up in his own head overthinking this. Up until this point he’s been so sure with everything. He’s trained his ass off, he’s worked harder, studied harder than he ever has in his life before. Overthinking it now will only make him spiral.</p><p>He nods again, and it jostles more snot from his nose, which is really awful, and he feels so disgusting all over right now. He listens to Hank’s breaths, tries to replicate them as best he can. And he can feel that he’s doing better, because he’s focused on something else, and even when he coughs, even when he has to spit, it still is easier.</p><p>It doesn’t suck any less if anything it gets <em>worse</em> but at least the fear that he’s not going to be able to breathe fades away. Gavin’s really glad that Hank agreed to be here, because he may have thrown himself in a fucking panic attack by now if he hadn’t.</p><p>“Ten seconds,” The guy says and Gavin feels a wave of relief. He’s in so much pain, he wants to rub at his eyes so fucking bad and he knows that he can’t. He knows that he’s not going to feel better for a long time, but at least this means it’s going to start getting better.</p><p>“Five… four… three… two… one.” Hank rests a hand on the centre of Gavin’s back, while the other keeps hold of his arm and he moves Gavin forward. He tries to continue to keep himself breathing.</p><p>“You’re gonna have to trade off with the water, okay?” Gavin has no idea who’s talking to him right now, but he doesn’t care. He’s nodding his head in understanding instantly. He can hear the water running, and he wants desperately to have it getting this shit <em>off</em>.</p><p>Nothing has ever fucking hurt like this before.</p><p>Another hand grabs his shoulder, opposite the side Hank’s on, and he knows it’s not Hank, and they move him forward again. “Alright, turn your head to the side, and just keep breathing.”</p><p>The water is like a fucking slice of heaven, for about five seconds. It’s cool, and it’s almost relaxing, pouring over his face and making Gavin sigh in relief. But it doesn’t just slide off the spray and leave him fine. It makes it run, and it ends up moving back on his face, down his cheek further and back toward his ear, which leads to more fucking burning.</p><p>He grits his teeth, knows everyone else is going through the same shit as him, and he just sucks it up. It feels like he’s under that hose for hours, and yet no time at all when he’s told to switch out.</p><p>Hank pulls him back and gets him to straighten up, and he coughs again, spitting, not even sure where he’s spitting now as he tries to get back into a good breathing rhythm again.</p><p>“I’m gonna pat off your face a bit, okay? Don’t move.” Hank says, and Gavin gives a quick nod. He feels the paper towel, and it scratches against his raw skin, but Gavin manages not to complain.</p><p>He’s holding onto Hank now, has hold of his biceps to keep himself steady, so that he knows he’s at least not in anyone’s way, knows that he can move to follow Hank if he needs to.</p><p>And that’s what the next fifteen or so minutes is for him; holding onto Hank and keeping his breathing in check before he’s back under the running water. And slowly, the burn stops building and starts to just stay at one level. It hurts, but at least it’s not getting worse.</p><p>“Can I… open my eyes?” He asks after Hank’s just finished patting off his face again.</p><p>“If you’re comfortable to, you can.”</p><p>Taking in a slow breath, Gavin finally does. And it fucking stings, his vision is a little blurry and unfocused from having his eyes closed tight for so long, and watering too. His eyes will be bloodshot, he knows that, his face is probably red and blotchy, but he did it, he fucking made it through.</p><p>“Fuck… this fucking sucks.”</p><p>“But you did it. I knew you could, Reed.”</p><p>Gavin would roll his eyes if they didn’t burn so much. He drops his head forward and takes in the mess. It’s fucking bad, and looking around at everyone else, seeing what they look like, he knows he looks no better.</p><p>“I never want to feel this shit, ever again,” Gavin grumbles, and Hank scoffs.</p><p>“Don’t do anything dumb, and you won’t. You want more water?”</p><p>“Of course, I fucking do, you asshole.”</p><p>Hank laughs again but doesn’t say anything else. He rubs Gavin’s back again as he leans over the bucket and more water is run over his face.</p><p>Even though this has been the most painful experience in his whole life so far, at least he got through it. He’s proud of himself because he didn’t give up, he didn’t back down and he didn’t let his fear get to him. And now, there’s nothing stopping him from making it. He can do anything, he <em>will</em> do what he knows he can do.</p><p>Gavin knows what he’s capable of, proving it to himself is just one step in making a difference for someone else.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Memento Mori</p></blockquote></div></div>
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